I´m starting to give up on myself. I feel like it´s the end of everything. I can´t seem to find something to make me feel optimistic and lately most of the time I want to go to sleep and never wake up. Maybe this will never end for me and I do not want to live my whole life feeling this insecure and unhappy, dependant on everybody else to be "fine".
Thoughts of death have been crossing my mind even though I´m not able to do anything. I´ve been in this tunnel for so long that I´m starting to believe there is no end. Maybe my mental illness has no cure, maybe I really need to be put in an institution. All I want is to stop thinking, to stop feeling... to start living, or stop living altogether.
I need help, I want help, I´ve looked for help... and yet I keep coming back to the same place
miércoles, 13 de mayo de 2009
viernes, 20 de marzo de 2009
My Gift
I have always longed to be special, and yet I have never been able to have a “gift”. Everyone is supposed to be good at something, and in my case something seems to be nothing. I am not good at sports, music or art, even worse I am not good with people, not socializing or judging their characters, or anything that has to do with them.
I don’t know if having depression for so long has made me concentrate in all the wrong things, or maybe it’s the other way around. It could be that my depression is a result of my frustration for not being able to be great at something. I don’t even know anymore how it all started. It’s hard for me to remember life before feeling this angry at myself; all parts of my life seem to be filled with these dark moments where everything and everyone becomes a blur.
I tend to blame every negative aspect of my life on my depression, and I know better than anyone that “it” is not to blame for everything. The problem here is that I am not able to see what is a consequence of my depression and what isn’t. The lack of a gift is probably in great part my fault, I have a tendency to start things and never finish them… then again, this could be because I get bored easily, supposedly because I am depressed.
I hope that someday I will find what I am looking for. Maybe it’s already there and I am unable to see it. Maybe as I once thought, my gift is depression because whenever I am happy I tend to enjoy it so much more than any “regular” person. For the time being I can only hope because the present right now is not a very uplifting time.
I don’t know if having depression for so long has made me concentrate in all the wrong things, or maybe it’s the other way around. It could be that my depression is a result of my frustration for not being able to be great at something. I don’t even know anymore how it all started. It’s hard for me to remember life before feeling this angry at myself; all parts of my life seem to be filled with these dark moments where everything and everyone becomes a blur.
I tend to blame every negative aspect of my life on my depression, and I know better than anyone that “it” is not to blame for everything. The problem here is that I am not able to see what is a consequence of my depression and what isn’t. The lack of a gift is probably in great part my fault, I have a tendency to start things and never finish them… then again, this could be because I get bored easily, supposedly because I am depressed.
I hope that someday I will find what I am looking for. Maybe it’s already there and I am unable to see it. Maybe as I once thought, my gift is depression because whenever I am happy I tend to enjoy it so much more than any “regular” person. For the time being I can only hope because the present right now is not a very uplifting time.
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