My Gift

I have always longed to be special, and yet I have never been able to have a “gift”. Everyone is supposed to be good at something, and in my case something seems to be nothing. I am not good at sports, music or art, even worse I am not good with people, not socializing or judging their characters, or anything that has to do with them.

I don’t know if having depression for so long has made me concentrate in all the wrong things, or maybe it’s the other way around. It could be that my depression is a result of my frustration for not being able to be great at something. I don’t even know anymore how it all started. It’s hard for me to remember life before feeling this angry at myself; all parts of my life seem to be filled with these dark moments where everything and everyone becomes a blur.

I tend to blame every negative aspect of my life on my depression, and I know better than anyone that “it” is not to blame for everything. The problem here is that I am not able to see what is a consequence of my depression and what isn’t. The lack of a gift is probably in great part my fault, I have a tendency to start things and never finish them… then again, this could be because I get bored easily, supposedly because I am depressed.

I hope that someday I will find what I am looking for. Maybe it’s already there and I am unable to see it. Maybe as I once thought, my gift is depression because whenever I am happy I tend to enjoy it so much more than any “regular” person. For the time being I can only hope because the present right now is not a very uplifting time.